It’s Tricky

Yes, it gets tricky – because she doesn’t just withdraw – she also protests. It is disorganizing

for us as therapists to hold and manage that – the confusion and disorganization. One minute hiding the next attacking.

It sounds like she experiences you as trying to protect her at times, which she doesn’t like, it can send her the message you don’t see her as capable. And perhaps she is also longing for him to care about what she wants and to have a voice. You’ll have to check that out.

Some of those pot shots we can absorb, if they are little and infrequent. If they happen after a big

one, like saying she doesn’t like coming, much more difficult and we’re then more easily thrown off.

If you experience that on a regular basis with this couple then yes, getting some supervision would be very helpful. If not video tape, audio is good. Or video that points at their legs/feet. It can give them some anonymity and still provide some non-verbals.

When she throws out those quips, that’s a time to slow down and see what that’s about. With withdrawers organizing, zooming out often helps, with pursuers going in close, zooming in to be with their felt experience. If she is disorganized empathizing through your person such as “I get that, it’s like you heard….” normalizes and increases attunement at the same time- so meets both the needs for organization (zoom out) and the need for close connection. Does that make sense?