Does Couples Therapy Work? No Cheating, No Dying

Recently the NY Times posted an article by contributing author, Elizabeth Weil titled Does Couples Therapy Work? After briefly reviewing the history of couple therapy Weil emphasized the difficulty therapists face with couples. She does this in relation to presently promoting her book, No Cheating, No Dying: I had a good marriage. Then I tried to make it better.

Clearly she did her homework. Couple therapy, as a field, has not done well in helping couples. Her experience sounds typical and will resonate with many couples whose attempts to restore trust, problem solve, heal a distressed relationship and learn how to communicate deeply fall flat with less than stellar therapy, or worse, even bad marriage therapy.

The sad part of the story is, Weil doesn’t emphasize what she learned about effective marriage therapy.

She hints briefly in the article at good couple therapy, which sounds like EFT, when she says: “One of the most promising methods is based on the attachment theory of parenting: good relationships are built on secure attachments, ones that are engaged and emotionally responsive.”

The hint at EFT was a small bone, enough to indicate she did her research but not enough to change the tone of the article from one pointing out the flaws of couple therapy to one that could really help couples. And to add insult to injury, she ends the story with the idea that couple’s therapists don’t like doing couple’s therapy. This is the ending of the article: “Says Dr. Pearson of the Couples Institute: “’If you’re seeing couples, no matter what you do, you’re going to see a lot of anger and volatility. You’re going to see people fighting in your office, and that triggers a lot insecurity and doubt — all your issues from your own childhood, your own relationships. Who wants to sign up for another serving of that?’”

I do. I do! I for one, LOVE doing couples therapy and I know thousands of other therapists do. It’s rich, interesting, meaningful, and requires complex skills. I think of it like open heart surgery – there is a way it has to be done to be safe and effective, and you have to be well trained.

When you know how, it’s incredible.

There’s nothing so beautiful, tender and sweet as being with people as they open their hearts to each other, especially after experiencing deep betrayals, years of distance and distress, and unmet yearnings to be valued and loved by each other.

I’m filled with appreciation for all the couples who enter couple therapy and risk trying to improve their marriages. And I’m filled with encouragement from therapists, who I’m fortunate to be in contact with, being out there, learning effective couples therapy, getting the word out, standing up for relationships, and putting your strength and energy into what inspires them.

I’ll be in NYC leading a Hold Me Tight workshop this summer; maybe I’ll invite her over to see what Emotionally Focused Therapy is all about.